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I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And
I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their
heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets
thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion
starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just
want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT???"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She
explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm
thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was
going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I
walked around with her whil e she tried on three different, very expensive
outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all
three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth
$200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery
department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one
wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was
testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even
play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen
her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel
like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went
completely blank. I then said, "Real ly, honey, I just want you to HOLD this
stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You
must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the Spring
of 2008 but godammit it was worth it.