Officiella humortråden|Page 26|Allt mellan himmel och jord|Forum|Nordichardware

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to
those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+ 18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E!
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L- S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and
Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the
bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

jag slog på stort och köpte nya saker till burken ideg...

längtar tills prylarna kommer hem... :bgrin:

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Det var tre grabbar som gett sig ut i främmande land för att söka äventyr.
Efter flera veckors vandrande i ogenomtränglig terräng var dom utan
vatten, mat och förnödenheter och fick då syn på ett nunnekloster.
Dom knackade på och bönade och bad att få komma in värma sig och äta.
Abbedissan sa: Ingen man med ett redskap mellan benen för att skapa
nya människor får komma in här!!!

Killarna funderade ett tag och sa:
-Vad skall vi göra ?
"Ni får själv välja! Antingen kapar vi den eller också får ni stanna
utanför", sa Abbedissan.

Efter en lång stund beslutade de sig för att gå med på förslaget kapning.
Den första killen gick in och ett gallskrik ekade genom skogarna.
Andra killen gick in, men från honom hördes bara ett litet "aj".

Kille nummer tre stod nu utanför och undrade vad som egentligen föregick
innanför dörrarna.
Han klev i alla fall in och frågade nunnorna:
"Hur kommer det sig att dom skrek olika högt och mycket? "
"Vi kapar efter det yrke som ni sysslar med" sade en av nunnorna.
"Den första killen var plåtslagare, så hans slog vi av, den andra var en kirurg så honom la vi ett fint snitt på"

Då börjar killen gapskratta, han lade sig ned och kved av glädje.
"Vad står på ? Varför skrattar ni?" undrade nunnorna.
"Jo sa killen, " jag jobbar på Hemglass, så min får ni suga av!!!"

Enligt Internet vet utlänningar att de varit i Sverige allt för länge när...

It no longer seems excessive to spend 1,000kr on alcohol in a single night.

When riding a bicycle in the snow is a perfectly sensible thing to do.

When you associate Friday afternoon with a trip to systembolaget.

Start to use 'mmmm' as a conversation filler.

When you think it's more fun to stay at home and drink then go out.

When you wear warm clothing when it's 25 degrees plus in April - because it's April.

When you wear shorts and t-shirt when it's barely 10 degrees in July - because it's July.

Start to think women are more than equal than men and deserve to have better positions in the work place.

When the wife watches TV while you look after the kids.

When a stranger asks you a question in the streets, you think it's normal to just keep walking, saying nothing.

Paying $6 for a cup of coffee seems reasonable.

You start to differentiate between types of snow.

You get to the movies early so that you can watch the commercials.

You accept you must walk 2 kilometres to collect your book/tape from the Post Office, because they don't deliver small packages (or large ones).

When offered a bottle of beer the first thing you look at is the alcoholic percentage.

You use the alcohol percentage-per-kroner standard for measuring the quality of beer and wine.

You think it is normal EVERYTHING is regulated and you obey the rules voluntarily.

Hearing the words f*ck and shag on daytime TV seems perfectly normal.

You don't get disgusted by the little balls of discarded snus (chewing tobacco) at your feet at every bus stop.

You don't even get disgusted by seeing people spit, constantly.

You hide 5 or 6 bottles of spirits in your suitcase, one or two in your backpack, and put just one in the duty free shopping bag.

You start calling Coke "cola".

You think that people who wear other colours apart from black, grey, white or blue are exhibitionists.

It's normal for a post office to be located inside the local ICA store, where no one can help you.

You've come to accept that customer service departments don't do anything to help customers.

You don't find it strange that they add tax on top of the taxes.

It's perfectly normal to hear teenage girls say "cunt" as a swear word.

You understand the jokes in "Pistvakt".

You start to believe that everything in Sweden is actually good.

Anything good and in particular food is "giant good".

A seven-year-old with his own mobile phone seems perfectly sensible.

Three for the price of two is the deal of a lifetime, regardless of what it is. Even 3 for the price of 2 1/2 surprises you.

You use a coupon to save 5 kronor on something that costs over 100 kronor.

You can tell the difference between the different radio stations.

Drinking is the fundamental pillar of your social network, be it coffee or alcohol.

When someone asks you "Hi, how are you?" you actually take time out to explain how you are.

You accept that you pay bills at the post office, pick up packages from the grocery store, and you have to drive 5 miles to find a postbox to put your outgoing mail in.

When you are terrified of meeting you neighbour in the stairwell.

You think is perfectly normal that nobody talks on the bus, train or tunnelbana.

You accept that the best answer for a question is always "Jag vet inte".

You accept the fact that to rent an apartment you have to wait in the queue for 5 years.

You are horrified if you see anyone drinking wine with their lunch.

Sunbathing while there is still snow lying is normal.

When a stranger on the street smiles at you, you assume:
a: he is drunk
b: he is insane
c: he's an American

You pass a supermarket and think "Wow, it is open, I had better go in an buy something!"

A sharp intake of breath has become part of your vocabulary, as has the sound "Jah hahh"

You hear loud-talking passengers on the train. You immediately assume:
a: they are drunk
b: they are Finnish
c: they are American
d: all of the above

Your notion of street life is reduced to the few teenagers hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.

You have undergone a transformation:
a: you accept blodkorv as food
b: you accept surströmming as food
c: you accept alcohol as food

You know that "religious holiday" means "let's get pissed."

You know that more than three channels means cable.

You can't understand why people live anywhere but in Sweden!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....6OljGZapv4

Group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said,
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann:
"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your
child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce:
"Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name,
Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Tre gubbar satt och diskuterade om vem som skapat kvinnan.

Den förste hade så mycket vackert att säga om henne så han tyckte att det var Gud som skapat.

Den andre gubben hade tankar på sin kärring och var övertygad om att det var faan själv som skapat henne.

Den tredje gubben trodden inte på dom andra, men var övertygad att det var en kommunalpolitiker som skapat kvinnan, för vem annars skulle komma på den tanken att placera ett avlopp så nära en lekplats.