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HOTEL SOAP

Below is some correspondence that actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
submitted this to the Sunday Times. No hotel name was mentioned.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in
my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please
remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine
chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and
put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is
satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid --
I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you
about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got
back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to
the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the
hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't
need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which
were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your
Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed
inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did
not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I
can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's
the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off
duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those
little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I
was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap
in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on
the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to
your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please
call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they
service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please
accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in
last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you
realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size
Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the
3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory
which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory.

As of today I possess:

On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and stack of 2.

On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size
Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of
more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom
window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future
soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman